Too often the role of the stepparent is fuzzy and ambiguous. The step parent can never take the place of the child's real mother or father, living or dead. On the other hand, the step parent is more than just a friend who happens to live in the same house and occupy the same space as the child. So what is the step parent exactly? It is not easy to carve your own role.
If you are thinking about a marriage that will make you a stepparent, there are some things you should consider in advance. Did your prospective spouse's marriage end by death or divorce? A dead parent is even more likely to be idealized than one who is still alive. However, more marriages end by divorce than by death, particularly marriages where the children are still young. And fortunately for you as a prospective stepparent, younger children appear to have an easier time adjusting to new situations. Also, divorced parents usually remarry in a shorter period of time than widowed parents. So the child of divorce has had less time to adjust to life with a single parent, and is not as likely to feel that the stepparent is an intruder.
If the child's parents are divorced, this usually means she has an alternate place to visit or live if things get rough for her in her new home. A child whose other parent is dead has no such safety valve. The other side of this coin is that an older child can sometimes manipulate her new family by threatening to go back to the other parent.
Another consideration is whether or not you are already a parent. If you are a parent, then you have had a certain amount of "seasoning," and you know what children are like at different ages. But if you haven't had children and suddenly you become a stepparent, you will probably feel like you've been hit in the face with a cold mackerel. It's like the story of the soldier who was in combat for the first time and shouted out to his buddies, "Hey, they're really firing at us!" That's what it feels like to have your first confrontation with your new stepchild, even one who lives with you only on weekends and vacations.
Having a stepchild often brings you yet another personality to deal with - your Spouse's ex. Some of those confrontations can boggle the mind. You may even think to yourself, "I didn't count on this when I married Eddie. It was just going to be him and me and a lovely marriage." But of course there's no way to predict these things ahead of time. You may find your stepchild's other parent very easy to get along with. Or she may be just the opposite. And you'll never know until you have your first encounter with her.
The age and sex of the children play a great part in how well you and they are going to relate to one another. Young children can relate well. But what if you inherit a thirteen-year-old along with the five-year-old? Remember that even if the teenager were still in her biological family she would be in a state of rebellion as a typical part of her adolescent development. Apart from being a stepchild, she may well be uncooperative, belligerent, and defiant. So if you marry a parent with a teenage child, you will probably have to deal with her feelings of jealousy and hostility.
The sex of the child is important too, since a child between the ages of three and six is going through the stage of the "family romance." For example, a four-year-old girl is likely to be jealous of her new stepmother's relationship with Daddy, and a little boy of his stepfather's relationship with Mommy.
No matter what the age or sex of the child, you as a stepparent should expect a certain amount of hostility. It's a good idea for you to get to know the child during the courtship. Knowing her bad points probably won't keep you from wanting to get married, but it will prepare you somewhat for the problems. Knowing her good points will aid you in developing loving feelings sooner. And letting her get to know you may soften her feelings toward you somewhat. Don't count on it, because it can go either way. But at least you can get the relationship started, so you both know what to expect. The worst possible thing you could do would be to concentrate entirely on the person you are going to marry, and just assume that the children will tag along lovingly and obediently after the wedding.
Some prospective stepparents make the mistake of trying to rush into a relationship with the child. But coming on too strong will make the child back off. Your approach should be low-key and casual. Don't bring a gift the first time you meet the child. She will tend to be suspicious of this. When you do begin to give her gifts, don't make the first gift too expensive. At first you can find out from your spouse-to-be the things that the child likes.
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