How Giving Your Child Positive Rewards Is The Best Parenting System

The most important technique in teaching desirable behavior is known as the "positive reward system". You have probably seen trained animal acts such as dolphins, elephants, and bears at amusement parks like Sea World or the circus. But you may not be aware of how the animals are taught to do their tricks.

Let's say the trainer is going to teach a bear to play basketball. How does he do it? He doesn't use any of the typical methods that parents use with children. Probably not. He doesn't yell at the bear. He doesn't scold. He doesn't lecture. He doesn't ground the bear. He doesn't spank the bear. He uses a positive reward system. And nothing else!

If the bear is in one corner of the court and the basketball is in the other, nothing happens until the bear heads toward the basketball. As soon as the bear heads in the slightest degree toward the basketball, the trainer rewards him with small pieces of meat, until by such successive steps he gets the bear to the basketball. Then, by the same method, he gets him to take the basketball over to the basket, raise it up in his paws, and shoot. The bear doesn't learn to do all of this in one lesson, of course. It takes a number of teaching periods before the bear has learned to do it without any hitches. When the trainer is teaching the bear to do the trick the first time, he has to reward him every step of the way. But when the bear has finally learned the trick completely, then the trainer only rewards him once, at the completion of the trick, when he shoots the basket.

Teaching an animal is based on a very simple psychological law: Any action that is followed by a positive reward is strengthened and more likely to be repeated in the future. This law has been found to work for just about every kind of animal you can think of, including human beings of all ages.

First you need to decide what types of desirable behavior you want to teach your toddler. Let me just mention a few you might choose; to keep his plate on his tray at mealtime, to keep away from the TV knobs, or to help you put away his toys.

For any child the most positive reward is your approval. For example, when you see him keeping his plate on his tray, smile at him and touch him lovingly - a little pat on the head, a squeeze, or a tickle behind the ear. You can also praise him by saying, "What a good job you are doing. You are keeping your plate on the tray." Do this at every meal and he'll be eager to conform.

The older toddler may have some extra incentive if he receives additional rewards. Make a chart and put it on the refrigerator door; whenever he finishes a meal without throwing his plate let him put a star, a sticker, or a happy face stamp on it. The family will notice and he'll be so proud. At this age, your toddler will want the reward immediately. A delayed reward that is paid off at the end of the week, which works fine at a later age, will not work for a toddler. And don't be afraid that if you give your child rewards he will expect you to continue doing so forever. Eventually, his sense of accomplishment and the knowledge that you are pleased will be his payoffs.

The rewards we've talked about so far are useful for teaching the basic tasks that recur every day. Here is another one that you can use for special spontaneous situations. "Amber! Help Mommy gather up the clean laundry and put it in this big bag, and I'll do something special for you! I'll make a funny face (or dance a jig, or stand on my head)." She'll do the task, win your approval and get that extra treat you're promising. This may sound a little strange to you, but it works! As the saying goes: "If you haven't tried it, don't knock it!"

The positive reward system does something special for you as a parent, too. Instead of having one eye cocked for trouble, like so many parents, you have exactly the opposite viewpoint. You are constantly on the lookout for good behavior on the part of your child. And when you notice it and show your approval by your touch or smile, it will produce a happier and more positive relationship between the two of you. Remember that the teacher (parent) who praises and rewards will always produce better results than the teacher who criticizes and scolds.